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The Secret I Learned to Help Teach My Kids Responsibility

May 7, 2018 No Comments

I’m a huge parenting nerd. I’ll be honest, I read book after book on parenting techniques and styles. I love finding new tips and tricks to help me connect and communicate with my kids better. One of the books I’ve been flipping through the last few months is “On Becoming Childwise” by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam.

Read: Why I Started Setting Goals for My Kids

This week, I was reading chapter 10 – Transferring Ownership of Behavior to Children. As I was reading this chapter, I realized I was guilty of not transferring ownership of behavior to my kids. I was becoming one of those parents who was always nagging my kids to do things.

I realized I was taking too much of the responsibility for my kid’s behavior on myself. Because of this, I wasn’t giving them the opportunity to learn to be responsible. After reading the chapter, I started implementing two key phrases.

Sit and Think
Do you have the freedom to _____?

When I Transferred Ownership Of Behavior to My Son, He Surprised Me

For months, I’ve been reminding my son to grab his drink to go downstairs to breakfast. He’d forget it upstairs and realize halfway through breakfast he was thirsty and be crying for his cup. I hated having to run around the house hunting for the drink he forgot to bring downstairs.

Every day, before we’d go downstairs, I’d say, “Buddy, I want you to sit and think about what you’ll need when you go downstairs.” And you know what? Every time he’d say “I need to get my drink and my puppy.” And he’d run and get them. Not once this week did I have to go running around the house looking for his drink because he hadn’t remembered to bring it with him to the table.

Instead, I transferred ownership of his behavior to him. I asked him to be responsible for his things. And he shocked me. At three years old, he knew what he needed and remembered them every time.

My Kids Knew What To Do

One day this week, I told my son to get ready for bath time. He went into his room and began taking his clothes off and putting them in the hamper. About halfway through the process, he forgot what he was doing and started playing with his sister. The bath was already ready and the water was getting cold. But instead of yelling at him to stop playing and take his clothes off, I did something different.

I asked him if he had the freedom to play right now.

This is what he said out loud to his sister. “I’m sorry, I don’t have the freedom right now to play with you. When I’m done with my bath I’ll come back and we can play”

I was shocked. He knew what he should have been doing and with a simple reminder, I got him back on track.

This changed our house this week

I realized a lot of the reminding and nagging I’d been doing wasn’t helping my kids learn to be responsible. These two phrases helped me encourage responsibility in my kids and took the pressure off of me to constantly remind my kids of the right thing to do.

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In Parenting

Stop Meltdowns – 5 Easy Ways To Get Toddlers To Obey

March 19, 2018 No Comments

Do you struggle to get your toddler to do what you ask? At my house, battles are usually fought over my kids picking up their toys. Somedays it would be easier to just give up, give in and pick the toys up on my own. As a parent, it can be really hard to get toddlers to do what you want them to do. They’re a huge ball of emotions and can go from laughing to tears in a matter of seconds.

So is it realistic to think you can to get your toddler to do what you ask them to do? And can it be done without you or them ending up in tears? If you have toddlers you will have tantrums. However, there are a few ways to make obedience easier for your toddler.

Read: Two Simple Ways To Avoid Toddler Tantrums

Limit Choices

Giving a toddler too many choices can wind up backfiring for you as a parent. If you give them choices all day long, like what book to read, which show to watch, what to eat for breakfast and then out of the blue ask them to do something like pick up their toys, your toddler most likely won’t go for it.

If your toddler is used to calling the shots, he won’t do what you ask when it matters. He’ll think that you’re giving him another choice. That isn’t healthy for you or your toddler.

During the day, find ways to limit your toddler’s choices. This isn’t to say that your toddler can’t ever make a choice, but be sure to leave some choices that are up to the parent. This way your toddler won’t think that he’s the boss and when you give him an instruction he thinks it’s his choice whether or not to obey.

Give Choices

This might seem contrary to the first suggestion, but it actually isn’t. With toddlers, there is a balance in giving choices. Give too many and they don’t listen or obey, give too few and they get frustrated.

I often let my toddlers have choices that aren’t consequential. I’ll say something like, “Buddy, it’s time to take a bath. Would you like to take your clothes off by yourself, or do you want mommy to help?” It doesn’t matter whether I take his clothes off, or if he does it. What matters is that the bath is happening. As the parent, I made the choice to take a bath, my child makes the choice of whether to take his clothes off on his own or to have me do it.

Giving inconsequential choices to my children has really helped with them being more obedient. They feel like they have some say in the matter, which causes them to throw fewer tantrums.

Give Timed Warnings

Whenever I can, I give my children timed warnings. A few days ago, I was at McDonald’s letting my kids play in the play place. My kids were having a blast running around, but I knew we needed to head home soon to let my youngest take her nap.

About five minutes before we needed to leave, I quietly pulled both kids aside and told them in five minutes we were going to need to put our coats and shoes on and head to the car. Then a few minutes later I told them both we were leaving in two minutes. After that, when it was time to go, my three-year-old went and got his shoes without crying or complaining. It was because he’d had time to mentally prepare for the disappointment of leaving.

I’ve noticed when my kids don’t get warnings that we’re going to be leaving soon they’ll often throw a major fit when it’s time to go. Giving my toddlers a heads up that they’ll need to stop playing or pick up toys in a few minutes seems to help them and they throw fewer fits when it’s time to obey.

Be Consistent

One of the hardest things in parenting is being consistent. I don’t want to punish my kids when they make bad choices. I wish they’d just realize how much I loved them and choose to obey out of the goodness of their hearts. However, as you know that’s just not the case. Kids don’t just automatically obey.

That’s why you’ve got to be consistent with rules and consequences. When you’re consistent, your kids can be confident knowing you mean what you say. They know the rules won’t change and that they know what to expect.

Consistency is important. Give your kids confidence by doing what you say. Kids love knowing what to expect.

Don’t Ask – Tell

It’s easy to get in the habit of asking kids things. “Do you want to come inside?”, “What do you think, should we start picking up your toys”, or “Let’s go to bed, ok?”

These phrases aren’t effective for toddlers. Mainly because what kid is going to want to come inside, or thinks to pick up their toys is a good idea? They won’t and you wouldn’t either. You wouldn’t clean your house or do the dishes if given the choice, and your toddler is no different.

Instead, rephrase questions telling the child what you want them to do. “Hey buddy, in 5 minutes we’re going to pick up toys.” This isn’t asking the child if they want to, what they think, or giving them the ability to choose whether or not to obey it. Tell your toddler what you’d like them to do. I often give my kids a timed warning before an instruction I know they won’t like and when the time is up, I give them a choice to help them process the disappointment of having to pick up toys.

For example, I’d say, “Buddy, we’re going to pick up toys in 5 minutes.” After the five minutes have passed. “Buddy, it’s time to pick up, would you like to pick up the blocks or the trucks first?”

Read: How I Keep My Kids From Getting Bored of Their Toys

Dealing with an emotional toddler is not easy and getting them to obey can be even harder. Hang in there mom! Having a toddler that obeys well is worth the effort. If you stay consistent with consequences and boundaries, eventually, they’ll get it.

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In Parenting

3 Proven Phrases to Prevent Mealtime Battles

January 21, 2018 No Comments

Is mealtime often filled with fits, temper tantrums, and battles as you try to get your kids to come to the table?

If so, you’re not alone. In my house, getting my kids to the table to eat can be a chore. Our mealtime battle often plays out like this: My toddler tells me how hungry he is. A few minutes later when dinner is ready, he proceeds to throw a fit when I ask him to come to the table. By this time, he’s gotten engrossed in a toy so when I call him to eat he says, “I’m not hungry”. As the parent, I know my kids need to eat. So how do you get your kids to the table without losing your cool?

Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve discovered three phrases that have helped curb mealtime battles.

“You need to come sit at the table, but you don’t have to eat.”

This phrase has been a game changer at my house. When it’s dinner time my kids are asked to come to the table. I tell them they do not have to eat. What they are asked to do is come and sit down. This has been powerful because my children realize they can’t play anymore. When the option to play is removed, they often end up eating something since they’re already at the table.

“Eat or go hungry”

I can’t tell you how many times my child has said during mealtimes, “I don’t like it, I don’t want it, I want something else.” I gently tell my child that what they’re saying is not kind. Mommy or daddy worked hard so they could have nice food to eat. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it. However, they will not get another meal.

Our rule is that they can sit at the table with us and either eat or not eat. If they choose to not eat, they will not get another food option. When the rules are explained, my child will often eat some of the food that was prepared. When the choice is to go hungry or eat what’s on the table, my kids usually choose to eat what’s there.

“To sit at the table, you need to choose to be happy”

In our house, in order to sit at the table, you need to choose to be happy. I don’t enjoy a meal with a screaming child. If my child chooses to scream or throw a fit at the table, I get up and move them or their chair into another room. I tell the child they can come back when they’re happy. It’s amazing how simply removing the child will often curb the bad behavior. My kids want to be where the action is, so when I remove them, the incentive is high for them to want to come back to the table and be happy.

These phrases have helped me curb a lot of mealtime battles. What are some strategies you’ve found helpful during mealtime?

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